Not a Chick Flick
by OtakuLibra
Summary: In which the romantic comedies get everything wrong, it isn't about love, and Kirk tries to be a good friend and fails miserably. It's cracky. Really. Uhura/Gaila, sort of Kirk/Spock. Character death, but you probably already knew that.


****

So, I was talking to a friend the other day, and this sort of... Happened. It's crack. Really, really crack. I don't think there's anything else to say, at this point. Enjoy.

**(Also, Leira is not my invention, she's in one of the deleted scenes. The name comes courtesy of some lovely person on LJ. Double also, I apologize for the random angst at the end. I just... I don't even know.)**

* * *

"Kirk. Get out."

No doubt about it, Uhura was _scary_ when she was pissed. Which she absolutely was now.

"Hey, I'm just hanging out with Gaila—"

"Get. Out." Uhura's whole body was rigid, fists clenched at her sides like she was about ten seconds from punching him. Gaila, who was currently lounging on her bed in a bra and a pair of jeans, grinned at Uhura, completely unperturbed by her roommate's threat of violence.

"Gee, thanks for the help, Gaila," Jim whined. "And here I thought we were friends."

Gaila grinned wider, rolling onto her side to look at him, sprawled on the floor.

"Oh, but we _are_ friends, Jimmy," she crooned, voice sickeningly sweet. Then she swung around, nudging his side with her toes. "But you're not _that _pretty, and you aren't all that scary, either. Sorry, sweetie, but you heard the lady. Out."

Jim groaned but got up, swatting ineffectually at Gaila's foot. "Fine, fine, traitor," he grumbled, looking back and forth between Uhura and Gaila as if wondering who he should glare at harder.

Gaila nearly fell off the bed laughing.

"Get out, Jimmy."

He obliged, but not without a whole lot of complaining.

"And quit bitching!" Uhura yelled down the hallway after him. "You sound like McCoy, and petulant child is not a good look on you."

"Fuck you, Uhura," Jim called down the hallway, not even bothering to turn around.

Uhura smirked as she re-entered her room.

* * *

"Something's going on with Uhura and Gaila, Bones, I swear to god there is," Jim announced, collapsing onto his bed, dislodging a pile of clothes and his datapad.

"Guess what, Princess?" Bones growled from his desk, twirling a stylus in one hand. "Don't give a shit."

Jim sat up ramrod straight at that, blue eyes wide. "Bones, you worry me sometimes. I said _Gaila _and _Uhura_. You sure you're not, like, asexual or something?"

Bones rolled his eyes. "Just because I'm not some oversexed teenager like you—"

"There is no such thing as too much—"

"Jesus Christ, kid. You're hopeless. If you're gonna be like this, can you please just fuck off so I can study? Not everyone's a fuckin' genius like you, Princess."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Jim muttered. "Have fun _studying_, you boring asshole."

* * *

Just because he was interested didn't mean he was obsessed. Bones disagreed—loudly—saying that Jim was as apathetic as they come, at least until he found something he cared about, and once that happened, forget it. Jim was obsessed. Much as Jim tried to deny it, most people who knew him were of that opinion.

Whatever. The point was, Jim was _not_ obsessed. Really.

It kind of did suck though, because Bones didn't care, and Sulu was all wrapped up in Pavel Chekov, this adorable Russian kid he was dating.

"Kirk, I gotta tell you, man, you need to get _laid_. Badly. You're getting _way _too obsessed with this. Who gives a shit, anyway?"

Yeah, Sulu was an asshole.

"You're only saying that because you believe in monogamy. I feel emasculated just standing near you," Jim replied.

Sulu rolled his eyes. "Bitch, please. I bet that linguistics professor could get you to believe in monogamy, with the way you keep giving him bedroom eyes in class. And you call me pathetic."

"Fuck off, Sulu, I don't—" Jim started to protest, but was interrupted by a blur of seventeen-year-old Russian, who wrapped his arms around Sulu and clung like he could live there. Didn't matter anyway, since Jim's blushing gave him away and at least Chekov was distracting Sulu from the fact that Jim did _not_ have a crush on his linguistics professor.

"Morning," Chekov said brightly, still hanging on Sulu.

"Morning, kid," Jim said. "Jailbait," he mouthed at Sulu over the kid's head. Sulu glared, and Jim laughed.

At which point Sulu kissed Chekov's forehead and whispered, "Morning, Pasha." Just out of spite, probably.

"All right, whatever, you two go be domestic, then," Jim said, waving over his shoulder as he walked away.

Chekov disentangled himself from Sulu just enough to call back, "You are just jealous!"

Jim laughed, "Yeah, whatever," then glared when Sulu mouthed "Professor Spock" with a stupid grin on his face.

Bastard.

And yeah, maybe he _did_ need to get laid, but that was beside the point, really.

And anyway, he had linguistics with Uhura this afternoon, and that just gave him another opportunity to figure out what the hell was going on with her and Gaila _and_ stare at Commander Spock for two hours, which, you know, bonus.

This was not pathetic in the slightest, really, not at all.

* * *

The funny thing was—well, actually, it wasn't funny at all. Possibly, it was even a bit tragic. But Jim swore it _would_ be funny, someday. At some unspecified point in the future, he would laugh about this.

But either way, the funny thing was, it was completely by accident, when it actually happened.

See, Bones had barricaded himself on his side of their room, surrounded by textbooks and datapads and assorted hyposprays, which were enough to send Jim running for cover in and of themselves. And Sulu was pretty much being monopolized by his boyfriend, who was cute, sure, but _Christ._ And Jim was about two minutes from calling up _Cupcake_ to see if he wanted to go out drinking, but—not for the first time—Jim thanked a supreme being that he knew Gaila. Because it didn't really matter what was going on or that she was busy, Gaila was _always _in the mood for a drink.

Which was what Jim was banking on when he went over to her room in a well-worn t-shirt and his rattiest pair of jeans. Perfect drinking wear. And possibly perfect for getting him laid tonight, too, but that wasn't absolutely _necessary_ (mostly), and anyway, it had been that _one time_ with Gaila, and it was great but he liked just being friends with her.

Only, it probably wouldn't have mattered if he _was_ actually trying to hook up with Gaila again, considering.

And also, in his defense, Uhura usually made sure the security lock was engaged. Gaila didn't care, which was why she left the door unlocked when Uhura wasn't around. And Jim didn't exactly want to ask Gaila to go out drinking with him when Uhura was around anyway, so he figured he'd try to open the door, and if it worked he'd have a drinking buddy, and if it didn't he'd just cut his losses and have a beer alone.

Jim being Jim, he didn't really anticipate a third option. There was one.

The door slid open, which, naturally, led him to assume all was well and he might have someone to drink with after all. He got all of three steps before that was clearly not an option anymore.

See, it was about three steps into the room before he saw Gaila, which would have been great if she wasn't _on top of Uhura_. Uhura, who was currently fumbling with the clasp of Gaila's bra as Gaila sucked bruises onto her neck. And holy shit. It was about two parts awkward and one part hot, and the hot part won out for another, oh, ten seconds before he realized what's going on and _fuck_.

Also, it's Uhura.

Thing was, Jim was a little bit slow to the uptake, and plus he was having a mental freak out right in the middle of trying to remember how to get out of here. Which meant that Uhura looked up, because _of course_.

"James Tiberius Kirk." And of course she would know his full name, even though he didn't know hers. Not that he was spending too much brainpower thinking about that, because Uhura's eyes were _murder_, and oh. Fuck.

Gaila was murmuring something in Uhura's ear, probably trying to calm her down, but it was obvious that Uhura wasn't having it. And Jim Kirk wasn't on the fast track to command for nothing. Contrary to popular belief, he _did_ actually have a self-preservation instinct, it just only seemed to kick in when Uhura was about to kill him.

Which basically meant, yeah, it was damned helpful.

"Uh, right, sorry, um… Door was unlocked and… Uh, shit, yeah, I'll just be going now, carry on…"

He could hear Uhura's voice shouting after him, but he was already rushing down the hallway, trying to get as far away from the whole thing as possible.

* * *

"So, she your girlfriend or what?"

Uhura sighed, rubbing her temples absently with one hand. "Chapel, I expect this from. Sulu, I expect this from. Hell, _McCoy,_ I expect this from. But _you_? Kirk, I swear, I can't believe I just heard you say that."

"You know," Jim said, annoyed, "Your opinion of me isn't exactly just."

Uhura scoffed. "The hell it isn't."

"You're avoiding the question."

"And you're being a dick. I win. Now leave me alone. I'm kind of busy, in case you didn't notice."

He hadn't, actually, but he wasn't about to let her know that. Especially when he knew what she was studying for, and all he could hear in his head was the _gorgeous_ way Commander Spock spoke Andorian. Seriously. His voice was a work of fucking art.

He wasn't planning on letting her know _that_, either. So he gave her a lopsided grin and got up from the table.

"Catch you later, Uhura," he said. She gave him a suspicious look, but she didn't say anything. Jim winked and left the library.

* * *

Really, it would have been easier to talk to Gaila first, but Jim wasn't brave enough (yes, Uhura was _that_ scary). But, now that Uhura'd shot him down, he figured it couldn't hurt.

Gaila grinned at him, lounging on a bench like it was a queen-sized bed, writing something on her datapad. She looked up at him through a pair of large sunglasses.

"I knew you'd come around sooner or later," she said, curling up her legs to give him room to sit down before dropping them on his lap with a giggle.

"I'm that predictable, huh?"

It was pointless to try to be anything but happy around Gaila. The Orion had that effect on pretty much everyone, pheromones or not. It was one of the reasons Jim liked hanging out with her so much.

"Of course you are, Jimmy. Besides, Ny commed me earlier. You are not as subtle as you think you are, Mister Kirk." She winked, letting him know she was teasing.

"And I bet you're gonna be just as elusive about it as Uhura, aren't you?"

Gaila nodded, lips curling once again into a smile. "Now you're catching on." She paused for a minute before adding, "It wasn't like we were gonna make out for you or anything… That was on accident, you know. Ny would've locked it, but I can be distracting when I want to be." She gave him a wicked grin, which faded into a badly-faked frown. "So I wouldn't get your hopes up. You've got better chances with that Vulcan professor of yours."

Jim groaned, head hitting the back of the bench, covering his face with his arm. "I swear to god, if you people don't stop—"

"Exactly. Which is why Ny wants you to stay out of it," Gaila told him, pointed glance obscured less than one might think, what with the sunglasses. And then. And then she ruffled his hair, and he felt like a twelve year old girl. Wonderful. "You're so _cute_, Jimmy."

He really didn't feel like making a snarky comment. He didn't really need to. He just let it hang, unspoken in the air. He knew Gaila would pick up on it.

She did. If the huge smile on her face was any indication.

* * *

Jim Kirk didn't claim to be an expert in love. But sex? Sex he knew. Sex he was good at. Relationships, not so much ( though he was getting better, even though the only indication he had of _that_ was that Spock hadn't killed him yet). But anyway, this wasn't about love. This was all sex, and that just happened to be Jim's particular area of expertise.

It wasn't that he was trying to make light of the whole thing. He'd had some not-so-proud moments, but on the whole he wasn't a jackass. Also, he was a captain now, and he couldn't help but interfere when the fact that his Chief Communications Officer _seriously_ needed to get laid was getting in the way of the running of his ship. Which, needless to say, was a Bad Thing.

And she _did_ need to get laid. Really. And like he said, it wasn't that he was trying to make light of the whole thing. Fact was, Gaila had been his _friend. _Jim missed her, missed having her as a drinking buddy, missed their teasing back and forth, missed her easy, bubbly laugh and the way she could read his emotions and have a drink made to fix it in less than a minute.

So really, Jim couldn't blame Uhura for how heartbroken she'd been when they'd gotten back to San Francisco after the _Narada _incident. But now? Now, it was a mix between Uhura's happiness and the smooth running of the _Enterprise_, and if anyone thought he wasn't going to get in the middle of it… Well, they'd be wrong.

Her name was Leira. Jim knew her, vaguely. They'd met during the _Narada_, but they'd barely had a conversation between then and now, months into their five-year mission. But she was Orion, looked like Gaila, and was really sweet _and_ smart, which Uhura would appreciate.

It didn't take a whole lot of convincing, on Leira's part. Uhura was a different story.

"You're _what_?"

"Uhura, it's for your own good. I swear it is."

"Right." She sighed, doing that thing where she rubbed her hands over her face, just like Bones did (it was scary, really, the two of them being friends). "Look, Jim, I appreciate it. Really. But not all of us are little teenage boys like you."

"Actually, Lieutenant," Jim said, putting on his most authoritative captain voice, "That's bullshit. You know it, I know it."

"With all due respect, _Captain_, you can fuck off."

He could have written her up for insubordination, but he wasn't entirely sure she wouldn't kill him first.

The fact was, though, Gaila would want her to. He wasn't about to tell her that, for reasons previously stated, but still. He knew. Gaila liked sex. That was just the reality of it. It wasn't a slutty thing. She just did, just like every human being, only she wasn't all hypocritical and ashamed of it. And also, Gaila liked to be happy. And she liked the people around her to be happy. And Jim was damned sure she'd want Uhura to be happy.

Uhura might not have seen it that way, but she would. Jim was right. He knew this.

So, he did the logical (heh) thing. He told Leira to go to Uhura's room right before shift ended (he even gave her the command override codes for the door to Uhura's quarters. He was that kind of friend), and to wait there for Uhura to get back.

It worked. Only now, he had a bigger problem.

* * *

It wasn't about love. Jim knew this. He wasn't looking to get Uhura a girlfriend, he just wanted to get her to stop moping around and being all tense. That's all it was: a chance to unwind for once.

He'd apparently forgotten to tell Leira that.

Fuck.

"I hate you," Uhura said, but she sat down anyway. Jim looked up from his datapad, and there she was, stabbing at her salad fiercely, like she was pretending to stab Jim.

"I was just—"

"Save it," she cut him off, waving her fork in vague circles. Bones, who'd been fiddling with his own datapad, rolled his eyes and got up to sit with Sulu. Jim ignored him, attention focused on the pissed off Communications Officer sitting across from him.

"What happened?"

Uhura took a bite of her salad, taking a deep breath as she swallowed. "Apparently, I have a girlfriend now," she said, sarcastic. "And I'll give you three guesses whose fault that is."

"Umm… Right. About that…"

"I didn't ask for your help, Kirk."

Jim sighed, resigned to his fate. "I know. I just thought…"

"No," Uhura said, but softer this time, almost affectionate. "You didn't think, Jim. You never do. Just… I know she would have wanted me to move on by now, okay? I just…" She trailed off, eyes going all misty and distant. Jim felt like shit.

"I'm sorry, Uhura."

This seemed to snap her out of it, and she looked at him again with an unreadable expression. "Just don't do it again, Jim."

Jim mock saluted, but it was half-hearted. "Yes, ma'am."


End file.
